This post, this relaunch, this website, is now four years in the making.  Nearly all of it in my head.  Now becoming reality.  I find I’m still asking myself “Why now?” and though I don’t always have what might be the right answer, I always come back to “If not now, then when?” and so here we are– I’m writing the first post of what I hope is a brand new way of life, way of business, and way of thinking and being for me.

For most of my life, I’ve felt as though I don’t belong.  Maybe it is the more progressive mindset I had compared to my peers growing up.  Perhaps it is because I’m a solid enneagram type 4 and “fitting in” is something my soul is not attracted to.  Maybe because I’ve always been encouraged to do things my own way.  Or because I stand up for what I believe in–both in my industry and in my life–and that isn’t always encouraged.  Whatever the case–I’ve always felt a bit out of place.  Never the popular kid, but always trying to be friendly to everyone.  Never really having a solid circle of friends, but hanging out with a bunch of different groups and people. I’ve also felt as though I’ve had little direction–following the path that was right in front of me, but having no idea where it was actually going. 

After college and earning an degree in English, I was managing a restaurant–not where I wanted to be–and decided to dive head first into being a photographer because I had always wanted to be an artist. I knew it from the age of 4.  The English degree was my backup plan in case my art sucked.  I had a camera.  I had a little bit of experience photographing.  I just knew I needed to be doing something besides managing a restaurant.  My heart and mind and hands needed to create.  I called my parents one day after a particularly annoying day at the restaurant and said “I’m going to be a photographer.  I can’t stay at this place.  I need to do something more.”

So I became a photographer.  My first year was particularly rough.  I took any project that came my way.  Any session, any wedding, anything.  I just wanted to get exposure.  I remember one time, ON MY BIRTHDAY, I told a girl that I would photograph her headshots for $10.  I was willing to work on my birthday for $10.  But–like I said–I just wanted to be shooting.
I didn’t know how to run a business quite then (anyone not charging enough will won’t ever run a truly successful business), but I started to read anything and everything about how to become a successful wedding photographer, got my business set up, and started working.  And I mean working.  I was addicted to work.  I remember a night when I had a house full of friends over for dinner and right after I finished eating, I went straight back to editing and said it was okay because I was editing in the same room as company.

Then I discovered the magic of SEO and started working to build my website so that people would find me on Google.  After a few hard months of putting in a lot of back-end work, my website was officially on page 1 of Google for “Oklahoma City Wedding Photographer” or anything similar.  I was ecstatic.  Inquiries started rolling in–it was like magic.
Over the next few years, my ranking on Google climbed even more, the clients continued to roll in, I started being more selective with my bookings, my work was improving…some years more drastically than others, and I sat back and watched everything essentially run itself.

But that’s the thing.  When things become easy, they can become boring.  I started to feel the burn out of spending nearly every weekend at a wedding and then spending every day in front of a computer editing those photos. There were years at a time where I was constantly editing something–never having caught up. I love(d) being there on the wedding days.  I love(d) the energy and the emotions and everything.  I love(d) the people I worked with.  I didn’t love the occasional Mother-of-the-Bridezilla or person with unrealistic expectations, and sometimes the sheer stress/cost of running this business got to me.  That, on top of things becoming stagnant and robotic, meant I needed a change in pace.  After four years of photographing weddings, my soul started yearning for more. But, admittedly, I was too comfortable where I was to do anything drastic.

To scratch my creative itch, I started a side business with two friends–an alternative wedding company–we’d do florals, planning, designing, photography, anything the couple would/could want by outsourcing to the most respected vendors we knew.  We launched in June of 2017, had a fabulous launch party where I truly felt like we were onto something amazing, and by October, my other two partners decided that it wasn’t time for them to be doing that and so we let the company go.  They were going in different directions in their lives, and I couldn’t do everything by myself, so I let everything sit on the back-burner; only finishing up the projects we had already booked.  Looking back, we jumped in too quickly.  We felt this sense of urgency and we did things without thinking everything through.  There are zero hard feelings, but I do miss the excitement I felt when getting to work on different creative projects.

I considered re-launching that business after I spoke with the other two and getting their “okay” but something didn’t feel right.  It felt like bringing something back from the dead that wasn’t even really born to begin with.  So I did what any anxious, over-thinker does…I thought.

And I thought.

And I thought.

And thought some more.

And daydreamed.

And battled my mental health.

And fought some comparison demons.

And in this weird limbo stage of thinking and re-evaluating and shooting weddings and figuring what else I was supposed to be doing, I started realizing and hearing about some of the shady stuff that was going on in the wedding industry around me.  I started speaking up.  I was trying to keep the wedding industry honest and kind, as some of the things I was seeing in my own community were rubbing me the wrong way. Those things lead me to step inside my (potential) clients’ shoes.  So I began being more vocal–particularly about wedding vendors who refused to serve LGBT+ couples and photographers who would turn down already booked couples for “better” or “prettier” weddings. My speaking up for what I consider right caused a lot of people I thought were friends in the local wedding community to turn their backs on me and to basically pretend I no longer existed–many of them siding with the people doing questionable things because they had large Instagram followings.

I felt as though I was, once again, very alone and cast aside. 
That I was a nobody once again in my city.  That my voice didn’t matter.  That everything was about numbers and followers.
And that I couldn’t truly change the hearts of others if popularity or bigotry were to rule.

And so I got upset.  I got really upset.  I got mad.  Then I calmed down.  I started keeping my head down and stayed off the internet a lot more.  

I started wondering if posting on Instagram even mattered to me.  I mean, it did in the business sense, but it was ultimately harming me–the toxicity of looking at the world’s highlight reel…the most confident people, the most amazing destinations, the rich young “hippies” at coachella, the “beach bods” and the “hot husbands” and the sponsorships this and that.  My mental health was declining because of an app.  Constant comparison.  The first thing I did when I woke up in the morning.  

I knew I needed to get out of that headspace and think of the things that actually bring me joy–to begin building the life I had always dreamt for myself.  

I had this specific vision for my life: A life filled with beauty and creating and wellness and art and joy and flowers and travel and homemade meals and excitement. 
But I wasn’t living that.  Most of my time was spent in bed, editing photos or watching The Office or sleeping or eating to make myself feel better.  I had gotten into a deep hole of depression.  I was dealing with much more than I’ll let on to in this post, but ya girl was not doing well at all.

I did the bare minimum to stay alive.  And I mean that with no shred of hyperbole.  Some days I felt like I was going to die.  Sometimes I still feel like that, but we’re getting out of there.  And when I was in that ultra-bad headspace–so depressed I couldn’t move.  So anxious I couldn’t check my mail.  So down I couldn’t get out of bed, my business started to run me.  I got disorganized.  I got behind on work.  I forgot about an appointment or two.  I gave up on trying because I was so used to things working out easily for me in the beginning.  It was as though I couldn’t remember how to run my business in the first place.  I got tired.  I thought about ending everything.  And I often say this business was the life-saver for me–I couldn’t give everything up.  These clients were depending on me to be there for their wedding day.  So I stayed around.
Aside from the extreme mental health issues, the fact that my business was suffering because of those, and the realization that most of the money I was making was going straight to Postmates, I knew something needed to be done. 

It took a very long, hard look at myself (maybe looking at myself more than once and maybe a heart-to-heart with my parents or two and perhaps digging up the lessons my therapist gave me and then doing really hard internal work) in order to realize that I have the brain and the skills and the talents to create any life I want for myself.  Hell–I already did it once when I went from restaurant manager to award-winning wedding photographer. I could/can do it again.  And then again if I want to.  I know that I have no actual limits–only the limits I put upon myself–and those typically start with comparing myself to someone else.  

This was certainly a large punch to the face–realizing that the only thing holding me back from being the person I wanted to be and living the life I wanted to live was me.  So I started thinking about changing the things in my life to suit me better.  I made a list–a literal list–of the things I wanted of more of in this life and the things I wanted less of.  I wanted to create more.  To cook more.  To listen to my favorite music more.  To learn to love myself.  To spend more time with friends and family.  To plan and attend more parties. To be outside more.  To write more.  To play with flowers more. To travel more. To treat my body better. To listen to my gut more. I wanted less screen time.  Less financial hardships.  Less disorganization.  Less shitty days (easier said than done, sure).

I’ve now started on this journey of becoming exactly who I want to be and creating the life I’m envisioning for myself.  It hasn’t been a speedy start.  Some days it’s still a mental thing and other days I’m putting in the actions to make my thoughts realities.  Not every day will be perfect.  Not every day will even be good.  But I’m learning, again, that there can be good in every day. Some days I’ll be lazy, and I’ll try not to stay there too long or shame myself if I do–in fact, I’m writing this post from my bed instead of my cutely decorated office because I am a sucker for comfort.  I’m learning that not everything will be in my control.  Probably not even most things. 
But I can usually control what I do, how I spend my time, how I feel, how I act, and the people I surround myself with. 
I am fully capable of studying what exactly brings me joy, and then doing more of that.  And you are capable of doing that too.

And–guess what…in case you didn’t see this coming–my joy does not come from comparing myself to people on the internet.  It took me waaaaay too long to realize that…but once I did–WOW.  WHAT A RELIEF.

(Side note and another punch to the face: the people I was comparing myself to on IG probably worked hard or had to give up something to get to that place.  It’s not like their life magically became that way…unless they were very very lucky…like, kinda obvious again…but a good reality to bite into when I’m feeling that green-eyed monster creepin’ up.)

So this is it: my newness, my becoming, my honest shot at kicking this life thing in the butt.  I welcome you to share in it with me if you’d like.  I welcome you to grow and become too.  I am opening up.  I am blooming.  I am displaying myself (though not everything–some things are meant to be only mine) in hopes that it could encourage or inspire even one of you. 
I promise to bring authenticity to a world where the word “authenticity” is scattered around like bird shit and rarely ever actually takes flight.  I promise to show you the highlight reels, but not be fake about it.  I’ll let you know how I got there.  I’ll let you know if it wasn’t easy.  I promise to also show you the hard stuff and to open up when I have something meaningful to share.  This life is about connecting–I don’t want the fake filters and photoshopped flowers and cliche captions from Pinterest.  I want the heartfelt, the bold, the brave, the real.  And I hope you do too.

This is the open invitation to myself to create the life I’ve always dreamed of. A beloved dedication to the good (and my most favorite) things in life: human connection, art and design, style and wellness, food and drink, home and travel, humor and words, and passing out kindness like a Girl Scout on Cookie Delivery Day. An outpouring of my mind, spirit, soul, heart, curiosities, and skills in the pursuit of an honest, purposeful, and lovely life.  This is about forgiveness–to my old self and to the people I may have hurt while being her.  This is about renewal–to my current self and the self I’m growing to be and to the positive relationships and experiences I am opening myself up to.

With all this said, the desire of my life is to create as much as I can in order to make my home and my life feel more like me–it’s all I’ve ever been doing.  I’ve been redecorating, reorganizing, altering, designing, my rooms/homes/wardrobes/habits/way of life my whole life, using anything I could get my hands on.  I seek to make extraordinary things out of the ordinary, to give a spin on the classics, and to freshen up old traditions.  I want to make the world more vibrant, more kind, and more accepting of everyone being exactly who they want to be–not who they think the internet or society wants them to be.  I want to dive deeper into my skills and hone in on my crafts in the pursuit of a life that brings me joy.

So–I am putting down the badge of just “Wedding Photographer” and am pinning on “Photographer of Love and Life” and “Content Creator” and “(Small Scale) Event and Floral Designer” and “Freelance Artist” because I can wear many pins on my jacket.  I can do many things successfully.  I can also do hard things (and so can you).  I can create and create and create.  And dream and design and plan and play and live and serve.
I am proclaiming this website a space for kindness, curiosities, and passions.
It is also the space where you can view my portfolio, hire me, or get to know me.

My blog will no longer be written three times a year (lol), only showcasing wedding photography, but will now be a home for my words, other projects, recipes and creations, musings and interviews, and still, yes, some wedding photography here and there.  I am hoping to blog way more and turn this into an active communication between my soul/mind and the world.  I’ll also be inviting others to share their stories, recipes, writings, projects.  Some blog posts might be humorous or short or a recipe or weird photos or things I love or about people who inspire me or something else.  All will be because the subject was something that brought me joy and aided in my cultivation and creation of the life I want for myself.

My business will no longer be 100% centered around serving engaged couples (though I will still be shooting rad couples and weddings!), but will open up space at the table for photography of families, lifestyle sessions, creative portraits, and branding sessions for artists, musicians, and women and LGBT+ creatives and entrepreneurs.  Aside from photography, I’ll also be offering small scale floral and event design, custom collaborations, and content creation specializing in branding, food, travel, editorial, and product photography.

I’ll be taking on less weddings photography-wise and will be opening up more days in my calendar for other creative projects and services.  I like to keep my mind and hands moving and creating.  I thrive when I can work on many different projects at once.  I know it sounds weird.  It’s fine.

Aside from revamping my services, my hope moving forward is to serve my new (and returning) clients way better than before.  I’m introducing new software, organization tools, welcome guides, gifts, and more so that I can run this business more efficiently and more personably.  It’s what we all deserve.  I quickly got exhausted from fighting the huge waves of a business that was drowning me–all because I thought I couldn’t swim.  I’m here, ready to swim my little heart out, and to finally operate the business how I’ve always wanted while doing the things I’ve always wanted to do.

I am Rachel Waters.  Human. Artist. Learning. Growing.  

Here, I hope you find inspiration, courage, laughter, love, or the knowledge that you are worthy and capable of a life that brings you immense joy–even on the days that feel like a flaming pile of trash.  It will be a long process in learning–I am definitely still a student in this whole thing–but the fruits of our hard work will be sweeter than honey.  Cultivating a life that is honest, joyous, loving, creative, and kind.

This is it.  This is now.  I am happy to be here.  I am happy you are here, too.